Montag, 17. April 2017

My Thoughts on 13 Reasons Why


Reading all the articles on 13 Reasons Why and why it's supposed to raise awarness of mental health issues and suicide I want to talk about my own opinion on the show.
Like all the tumblr kids, I obviously read the book by Jay Asher back in the day (this is my tumblr if anyone is interested, I haven't really updated it since then though). That must have been about three or four years ago, so I was about 18 or 19. I was very in love, very sad, very emotionally unstable. You get the point – I could definitely relate to Hannah.
There is one point though, that I think I noticed back then and notice even stronger now - I hate the fact that Hannah blames her suicide on anyone but herself.
Because even at my lowest, even when I felt horrible because of a specific person, I never blamed it on that person.  



 Also, the fact that I could relate to Hannah meant that suicide was an option in a situation like that. A situation that almost every teenager will find themself in at some point, I would like to claim. And that is dangerous. When I read the book I didn’t think as much about the fact that she blamed the suicide on other people and more about all the reasons she gave. And I think saying that all those things lead to her having these thoughts and saying that all those people are to blame are two very different things. In the first option it is her decision, her way of dealing with the situation, in the second one other people are to blame. 

Hannah makes thirteen casette tapes on which she explains why she wants to kill herself, the reasons being friends turning on her, bullying, rape, not getting the help she needs, etc.
In consequence, the people on the tapes turn on each other and in the end one of them even tries to kill himself.

What I want to focus on, though, is blaming your problems on other people. I find this highly problematic because a) it justifies the suicide and b) it puts a huge burden on somebody who probably didn’t have the intention of hurting anyone, especially not to the point of them killing themself.
Let’s face it – we all make mistakes, none of us is always the best version of themself. I might have a bad day, be grumpy to a shop assistant without realizing they’re going through a tough time. It has probably happened before. And while of course we should all try to be nice to each other, we cannot stick to that every hour of every day.
Maybe the characters in 13 Reasons Why – the ones Hannah blames her suicide on – were going through a tough time themselves. Maybe they were doing their best trying to find their place in society and just made some mistakes. And then Hannah kills herself and says they are the reason for it and they have to live with that guilt forever.
And that is just plain wrong. Nobody owes you anything. Not their friendship, not their love, nothing. YOU are the person in charge of your life and you have to find ways to deal with what is thrown at you. Of course I’m not a complete idiot and I know that suicide is a serious topic and depression is not a choice. And I’m all for helping people as much as you can. But if you fail at helping someone it is still not your fault if they kill themself. Depression is the cause for suicide, not your boyfriend leaving you or your friend turning their back on you.
It is very „in“ right now to talk about „toxic“ people and how you need to leave them, and if they are really toxic to you this is obviously true. But those articles are often so quick with calling certain behaviours toxic, and mostly ones that are signs of mental illness, such as constant negativity. Have we really become that unforgiving? If I go through a tough time I might send of negative vibes, I might be a bitch sometimes, and I’m thankful for the people who understand that and still remain my friends instead of calling me toxic. You never know what someone is going through.
None of the characters in the show realized what Hannah was going through, but neither did she think about what they were going through. And just because she is the main character we sympathize with her. But life has no main character, everyone is their own main character.

Actually blaming a suicide on someone else – especially for comparably small reasons – is very selfish and dangerous. Your know as little about their life and their struggles as they do about yours. So be very careful with judgement.
In the end suicide is one person’s decision and most of the time caused by an illness called depression. I don’t need to go deeper into why killing yourself just passes the problem on to your loved ones because suicide is not a logical decision and the brain of a suicidal person just works differently because the person is seriously ill. I do want to say though that even if you’re feeling like you are at your lowest, it still doesn’t give you the right to destroy someone else’s life. Life isn't fair, but life isn't fair to anyone. Everyone gets mistreated sometimes, even the people who mistreat you.
To conclude, suicide is a serious topic and it’s difficult and often even dangerous to address it. Art – and books and tv shows are a form of art – do not have to keep everything into consideration. Saying that a tv show is to blame for any suicides is like saying Nirvana’s Polly is to blame for rape cases. You never know how someone interprets a certain piece of art and what it will lead someone to do.
But saying that the show – or the book – are helpful for raising awareness of mental illness and teen suicides is just plain wrong in my opinion. It justifies and even glamourizes suicide and makes it look like everyone else is to blame for it. I do not think the story is doing anyone a favour in terms of raising awareness. 

But what do you think? Do you think the show/book is helpful? Or the opposite? I would love to hear some opinions, especially from people who have experienced similar situations.

Freitag, 5. August 2016

Some Thought on Make Up and Why I Wear It



I like to wear a lot of make up. I like it bold and I like it slutty. I’m not what people tend to call a "slut" at all but I just like myself with tons of make up on and dressed in a short skirt with stockings held by suspenders. 
 
So – obviously – I get to hear the usual reactions a lot. „You’d look better without all that make up on“, „Guys don’t like girls who wear that much make up“, „You’ll give people the wrong impression“, and so on. 

And let me get this straight – this is not a whiny third wave feminist post about how girls can wear whatever they want and how it says nothing about them. Of course it says something about me. The way I dress, the way I paint my face – and this is mainly about make up so this is what I’m getting deeper into – says a lot about me, obviously. We express ourselves through our looks, we want to send a message. Everyone does. 


And my message is maybe kind of a remain from my teenage days – I like to piss people off. When I was 12/13/14 I wore tons of black eyeliner and eyeshadow to school everyday, and I obviously got a lot of shit for it, but also some people who thought it was cool. And not necessarily the few ones who did the same, I never belonged to a clique of gothic or emo kids. I was more like the freak in the group of „normal“ kids but nobody really cared within that group. The point is just, I didn’t only overuse my eyeliner the way I did because I thought it looked cool as fuck – I also wanted to scare some people away and piss them off. It was like a tiny, childish form of rebellion and if I think about it, maybe it still is. 

I KNOW that a lot of men prefer less make up on women. I know that a lot of women do, too. And that’s fine, everyone has their own taste, and everyone’s entitled to it.
But the point is, personally, I like wearing a lot of make up and that is because when I look at myself in the mirror, I just love the way it looks. That simple.
But it’s not like I’m trying to pretend I’m doing it all for myself. I don’t put on any make up if I’m planning to spend the whole day at home. I don't put on make up if I'm going to the grocery store or the gym. It is – to a certain extend – for other people, but more as a kind of war paint. With make up on, and for me there’s only a lot of it or none at all – I feel stronger and more ready to face the world. It may sound overdramatic but it really does have a psychological effect. If you look into the mirror and like what you see, you feel good and strong. And liking what you see is really just up to your personal taste, some people like to see themselves with no make up, or only a little make up, or – like me – really over the top make up that is probably way too much for the occasion.  
 
I once read that women don’t wear make up to look good for men but rather to look better than other girls. In the end that leads to the same thing – you want to look better than other girls, you want to feel superior so you’re the “top bitch“. And at least to some extend that is for men. It’s only natural, our bodies want to reproduce, in the end we’re just animals.

But we all compete in our own way, we want to look our best – the way WE think we look best. And if I like myself best with a lot of make up on I’m going to wear it. No, it’s not a compliment if you tell me I’d look better without it. You may think it would be more natural, more myself but aren’t you really the purest form of „yourself“ if you look exactly the way you want to look? In the end your bare face itself doesn’t really say anything about your personality, the way you dress up does. And to the people who say I don’t need it – OF COURSE I don’t NEED it! Nobody fucking needs it! And I’m happy to go without it on some days. But I like it, and come on – at least half of the stuff that we buy or do are pure luxury. We don’t need them, but we like them. And as long as we can afford them, that’s perfectly fine. Everything that gives us joy is a good thing as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. 

In the end I just like myself with a lot of bold make up on, and part of why it makes me feel good is because it makes me feel  like a bit of an outsider. As I said, it’s war paint, it sets me apart from other people. It repels some people – attracts some people, too, yes, but that’s not the intention. Again, it’s just a tiny, childish form of rebellion. But it makes me feel good, that is what it’s all about. 

So what about you? Do you like to wear a lot of make up? No make up? Something in the middle? Do you make assumptions based on the amount of make up people wear? Tell me your thoughts! 

As always, also check out my facebook and instagram! xx

Freitag, 8. Juli 2016

Things That Piss Me Off About The TFP Photo Community


About two years ago I decided that after years of being behind the camera I wanted to try being in front of it. So I joined a facebook group for tfp photographers and models and asked if anyone was interested in a shoot with me to which I got a very nice respond from a photographer whom I met a few days later and then did my first shoot with. So far, so good. He’s one of those people whom I am happy to have met because he’s a really nice, down to earth guy and I have since then worked with him several times and will continue to do so. I’ve met other really nice, interesting and amazing people, too, don’t get me wrong. I have, since the first, joined several of these groups, all of them are about tfp photo shoots in and around my area and they all feature pretty much the same members.

This isn’t a generalisation of the ‚community’, it’s only about a certain type of person that is unfortunately represented quite a lot in this so-called community.

And God, do they piss me off. There are two things especially, and they are the amount of bitching and gossip that is going on, and then there’s weird and creepy requests from self-proclaimed photographers that sound like they don’t actually want to take photos.

I have never actually met someone whom I found creepy, it usually becomes clear after they write a few sentences and I can sort them out right away. I have, however, heard stories from other models that weren’t so lucky. Nobody got locked in a cellar, but well, you get naked for a nude photo shoot and find out the photographer’s intention isn’t just taking photos.

I hardly ever do nude or lingerie photo shoots since my boyfriend doesn’t really like the idea of my naked body being all over the internet, which I obviously respect, but if I do those shoots, I only do it if I have either met the photographer before or have only heard good things about him from people I trust. If some weird guy who doesn’t even have a fanpage on facebook messages me and asks me to come over to his apartment – and under no circumstances bring anyone along with me! – it’s pretty obvious what the intention is. And maybe I'm wrong it’s really just taking photos, but considering the amout of creepy stories you hear, if he doesn’t understand my worries then he’s clearly not very empathetic. Those conversations go as follows

Photographer: Hey, I really love your photos and your style, want to come over and do a shoot with me?
Me: I like your photos, too. Do you have a specific idea what you want to do with me?
Photographer: Yeah, you come over and bring some clothes and lingerie and then we’ll see, I have my own studio at home. Are you coming alone or do you need mummy and daddy with you?
Me: I would like to bring my boyfriend if that’s okay.
Photographer: No, I don’t do that then. It’s interrupting my work. Nothing’s ever happened to any of my models at my place and they all trust me. No one has ever doubted my intentions before and I've even taken models abroad with me.
Me: Then I guess we have different ideas of this, I’m afraid it won’t work out.
Photographer: I don’t care, I have plenty of other models. I’ve already given your appointment to someone else.

This is just an example of how fast it gets from „love your style and photos“ to „I don't need you, I have plenty of other models“, it’s an actual conversation I had with a photographer except that I shortened it a little bit. The funny part is that this excact same photographer messaged me again about a year later and asked for a shoot, I didn’t respond this time though.

But it’s not just the „if you’re not coming over and getting naked you’re not worth it“ part, there’s also a huge problem with making appointments and sticking to them.
Judging from what I have experienced, a lot of the photographers (I can’t really talk about models because I don’t interact with them as much) expect you to make them your number one priority. I have a job, school, uni, friends or family? What?
If a photographer messages you, you NEED to respond right away, tell him when you’re free, tell him what you’re comfortable with doing so he can decide whether you’re worth it or not, and so on. Sometimes I open a pretty long message and I’m at work or out with friends so I don’t have the time to respond right away. I will get back to it later, maybe a few hours, maybe two days. It doesn’t mean I’m not interested, it just means that I have a life.
What we all need to take into consideration here is that this is a hobby. It’s nothing I get paid for and I need to make a living so it just cannot be my number one priority. If you pay me, okay, but if not, don’t expect me to drop everything and just come running to you. It doesn’t work that way. I’m under no obligation to respond to your messages five seconds later, in fact I’m under no obligation to respnd at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have a lot of respect for photographers. I take photos myself so I know the amount of work and money that goes into it. And getting beautiful photos of myself that I don’t have to pay for is a privilige. But for me it’s work, too, so don’t look down on me. I’d claim that we’re equally as important in this. You’re the artist and I’m pretty much the object, okay. I’m fine with that. But that doesn’t mean that you’re my boss.
Another funny anecdote. A photographer messaged me and I thought his photos were alright so I agreed to plan a shoot. Then he asked me to call him on the phone which was rather difficult because we were working at different hours. So I messaged him and to tell him I was working late one day – which I was – and then didn’t call the next two days because I was still busy. Then I was on my way to an appointment, waiting for my train, and got a message stating the time and the place I was at the moment and „you don’t look too busy or stressed out“. Like, what the fuck? How do you know if I’m busy? I’m on my way to an appointment, so OBVIOUSLY I’m busy? And sorry I forgot to write „stressed out“ on my forehead today. I replied that if he wrote messages like that one I didn’t want to shoot with him anyway to which he replied „I wrote you off days ago, you’re ’ambitions’ make me sick.“ I wonder why he felt the need to message me in that case, but whatever.

Getting rude private messages is one thing, but a whole different thing are public posts about people, with names and all. Public. Posts. Let me remind you there are mostly adult men in these facebook groups. And I’ve seriously seen posts like

„Don’t shoot with (insert name of model), I met her for a shoot yesterday and she was not only half an hour late but also didn’t bring the clothes we needed for the planned shoot. I won’t post any pictures from that shoot because I’m not at all content and can’t stand looking at them.“ 
And I get that people get pissed if someone is late or not dressed the way it was planned or forgets about the appointment all along, and so on. I get it. It’s shit behaviour and you just don’t do that, you’re wasting other people’s time. BUT! As grown ups, do we really need to make public posts calling those people out? Can’t we just tell the person in a private message or on the phone that we’re dissappointed, mad, whatever. And then forget about it, maybe warn our friends that that person is not very reliable, but not tell everyone in a public post. That’s something 12 year olds would do but when 40+ year old men do it, I just don’t know what to say. I get pissed in these situations, too. Somebody stands you up, somebody fails to message back, somebody is late, whatever. Unreliable people aren’t fun to work with. But I would never ever make this a public thing, that’s character assassination and something that’s shit when 12 year olds do it but even worse when grown ups do it. And the last time I checked, we were all grown ups. So let’s act that way and argue out our conflicts in private.

There’s talking anyway, when someone’s had a bad experience with someone else, they’re going to spread it around. And to a certain extend that might be human nature and we all gossip sometimes, me included. But the amount of bad things I’ve read about people in these groups is huge, and I know that there’s a lot of talking that I don’t even know about. Sometimes I wonder if anyone talks about me in that way, too, but then again, I don’t really care. I try to keep in touch with the nice people, the reasonably thinking people and the people who understand that there is always two sides to a story and you should really think about both sides in depth before making a public post about someone on social media.
And those who let their „success“ get to their heads and think it’s okay to treat others like shit now will eventually get what they deserve.

I just wanted to get this off my chest since all this bitching and hating on each other amazes me again and again. I get it, artists tend to be excentric and sometimes conceited, but deciding you’re an artist now doesn’t give you the right to treat people like shit.
 So what about you? Are you a model, are you a photographer? Have you ever experienced any of this stuff? Do you think I’m overreacting? I’m really curious about your experiences and opinions, so make sure to leave me a comment!

Also check out my facebook and instagram! <3

Freitag, 1. Juli 2016

My Tongue Piercing Experience so far (one week)


It’s one week ago today that I got my tongue pierced, so I thought I’d just let you know how it’s going so far. Might be useful to those of you who are planning on getting their tongue pierced and maybe those who already have their tongue pierced and want to laugh at me for some reason or another, feel free. All I know is, before I get a new piercing I usually do lots of research on blogs and youtube to read/hear about other people’s experiences. 

So let’s get right into it.

I have to admit that I was a little scared before I got it, which is probably due to the fact that when I was a child I watched a movie (can’t remember the title) in which there was a guy with a pierced tongue who had a permanet speech impediment and up until a few weeks ago I believed that this was something that could happen.  I googled it though and found absolutely nothing about anything like that, so I guess that is highly unlikely to happen. It is, however, why I used to say that I loved tongue piercings but would never get one.
I also remember getting my wisdom teeth taken out being a rather bad experience, not because it hurt but because I couldn’t eat properly and also couldn’t smoke. Those two things combined were stressful for me the say the least. And there are similarities in the healing process, obviously.

So you can imagine I was a little worried before getting pierced. I’d even thought about bringing a friend with me which I haven’t done since my second piercing but in the end I was too impatient to wait until somebody had the time to go with me so I went on my own.
Now let’s get to the pain. The actual piercing itself didn’t hurt too bad, I had to keep a pretty strong mouthwash in my mouth for 30 seconds before it was done and it felt like my mouth was a little bit numb from that. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, I would say the piercing was a 2 or a 3.
It also didn’t swell right away so in the beginning the only thing that was kind of  irritating was the huge bar in my mouth that you get for the first two to three weeks. 
right after getting pierced (excuse my weird facial expression haha)
  However, when I woke up the next day it was swollen quite a bit. My piercer had given me an information sheet that said I shouldn’t be smoking, drinking alcohol and eating spicy or too hot food and dairy products for the first few weeks. On the internet you get various information about all that though, some people say you can do whatever you want right after getting pierced and nothing happens, some say you shouldnt do any of it for a few hours, days, or weeks.


The dairy free milk substitutes I bought - personally I don't really like the taste of soy milk (0,99€) but it's okay in coffee and stuff like that and much cheaper than the almond drink (2,69€) which, in my opinion, really tastes pretty awesome! 

 Going out with my sister on day 5 after getting pierced - we shared a vegan pizza and I had a soy latte. You see the happy expression on my face, haha. I'm really not that much into soy milk but I think it's cool that many restaurants offer vegan options of food and drinks. The pizza was actually okay but really looks like cheap frozen pizza because of the weird "cheese" on it...

I managed not to smoke for 24 hours and after that tried to keep it at a minimum, I’m starting to fall back into my old patterns though, unfortunately. Trying to cut that back down. I’m also rinsing my mouth every time I smoke, at least with water but most of the time with mouthwash or a sodium chloride solution.
In the beginning I only bought mouthwash but after a few days it actually starts to hurt if you keep it in your mouth for some time (you need to keep it there for at least a minute, so I was told) and it feels like after using it a few times a day for a few days it gets really damaging to the mucosa of the mouth. So I went to the pharmacy and got sodium chloride solution. It’s a little more expensive than the mouthwash (3€ for 10 x 10ml) but it’s much more comfortable to use. I use mouthwash twice a day now and on the other occasions – after eating or smoking – I use the sodium chloride solution. The first few days I also sucked icecubes and camomile icecubes and drank some camomile tea (which I actually really dislike) because it's supposed to have a disinfecting effect as well, I don't really know if that's true but the ice feels pretty good the first few days when your tongue is still swollen. 

 The mouthwash I bought (you see how much of it I had already used after 4 days) and the sodium chloride solution
It still hasn’t healed obviously, the information sheet I got from my piercer says it takes about 6-8 weeks and I need to come back after 2-3 weeks to get the bar changed to a shorter one which I’m really looking forward to!
I didn’t have big trouble talking at any time, you can hear it though if you pay a little attention. Some people say they don’t hear it at all but I do notice that my pronounciation is a little slurred right now. However, this will change when the bar gets changed which is in one or two weeks!
All in all, I’m really happy I got it done, I love the way it looks and the swelling has already gone down to almost nothing. It still hurts a little when I flex my tongue, I can’t really run it over the outside of my teeth yet but then again, it’s only a week ago that it was done.
The first few days I was in a pretty bad mood a lot of the time because I was hungry and craving a cigarette but it was totally worth it and it’s all fine now. I can eat normally again, a little bit slower that usually but that’s fine.

Let’s see how it goes on! 
What about you, do you have a tongue piercing? What’s your expirience, what did you do for after care? And how long did it take to heal?
Or are you planning on getting one? I’d love to hear your opinions!

I hope this was helpful or at least entertaining for some of you, it’s a bit longer than I had planned but I wanted to get all the information in. 
If you want to hear/read/see from me, like my facebook page and follow my instagram!

I hope to hear from you soon! 
xx

Freitag, 10. Juni 2016

Hi there, this is new!


hello everybody,

i'm not really sure how to start this out to be honest. i have had two blogs in the past which i have kind of abandoned and now i'm finally making a fresh start with this one!

my others blogs were mainly about fashion and a bit of lifestyle but this is supposed to tackle a much bigger variety of subjects. i have collected a lot of ideas over the last months - yes, i have been planning this for quite some time - which include articles about subjects that interest me, photos of me and photos by me, fashion, music, arts, tattoo and body mods and so much more.

i haven't been active on blogger for ages and i also haven't even really used a computer for ages since my laptop broke in may 2015 and after that i didn't have one for half a year. and then, when i finally had a new one, i just didn't use it! i have no idea why. maybe not having one just kind of cured my addiction, or maybe i knew that i'd forgotten how to do half the stuff that used to be so easy, i don't know. like going to the gym after not going for like 2 years. which i have also experienced.
it's probably just because i'm a procrastinator and a perfectionist at the same time, and i wanted everything about this to be so perfect so i just spent all that time planning it all out in my head. it still won't be perfect - or near to perfect - obviously, especially since i'm actually having a hard time doing the simplest things right now, i'm currently learning how to work a laptop again, haha. this is so stupid.

anyway, i will try and make something cool out of this, please don't be put off by this wonky start!

hope to see you soon!

xx